Let’s Talk About Boundaries
May 15, 2025
OH MY GOSH! WHY AM I CRYING AGAIN?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
First things first: there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you just because you find yourself crying… even if you think you cry a lot! In a moment in time when it feels like we hear SO MUCH about AI and technology, maybe we actually need to lean into crying a little more. Why? Because it is quite possibly the most human response we could have.
How common is crying?
Almost everyone cries! I say “almost,” because there are some medical conditions that make tear production difficult and lead to less—or no—crying with tears. But here’s something fascinating: we don’t actually need tears to cry. A tearless cry was likely your very first observable behavior after birth. Even more ironic, given how many of us hold back tears because we’ve learned it means weakness or that something is wrong, is that that first cry was actually a sign that everything was right.
As a woman who went from “You’re doing great! You’re going to do this without an epidural,” to “If you want to be awake when your baby is born, we need to do a spinal block and a C-section now” within minutes, I can tell you firsthand: hearing my son cry gave me the greatest sense of relief. If he was crying, he was breathing—and that was all I needed to know.
Personal story aside, there’s data to back all of this up. According to the American Psychological Association, women generally cry between 30 and 64 times per year, while men cry between five and 17 times. Other studies show similar numbers across the globe, and overall, we spend much more time crying as infants and young children than we do as adults.
Why do we cry?
To understand why we cry, we have to acknowledge that we aren’t always crying for the same reason. Humans experience several types of tears: basal, reflexive, and emotional (psychogenic). Basal tears keep our eyes lubricated, while reflexive tears wash out irritants. But the most uniquely human tears—the ones that fascinate me most—are the psychogenic ones. While research suggests dogs may produce emotional tears, it still appears that humans are the only animals that cry in direct response to such a wide range of emotions. Even more amazing: the chemical makeup of our tears changes depending on which type we’re crying.
Beyond lubrication and eye protection, we cry from physical and emotional pain—but also from joy, awe, and deep meaning. Babies first cry to signal distress and get their needs met. Young children cry more from frustration and pain. As we grow, we cry less from pain and more from emotion. It is quite interesting to think about how children tend to cry less as their language abilities increase…but we still cry even as adults. Psychologically, we believe that this serves to release built up psychological pressure and tension, but perhaps it indicates that some experiences are simply beyond words while still needing to be expressed in some way.
What are the benefits of crying?
While the cathartic benefits of crying may have been previously overstated as well as oversimplified, a good cry can still be… well… good. Physically, crying helps our eyes, but it can also activate the parasympathetic nervous system, creating a calming effect that may even help us sleep better. Crying can release oxytocin and endorphins, reducing emotional and physical pain. It strengthens social bonds. It supports the grieving process—not just for the loss of loved ones, but for any meaningful loss. And most importantly, crying often reveals what matters most.
I can’t tell you how many times someone has sat in my office, started crying, and said, “I don’t know why I’m crying…” Then, as we explore what’s behind the tears, something deeply meaningful emerges. So, the next time you feel the tears start, slow down, take a deep breath, let the tears roll, and see what reveals itself to you.