Let’s Talk About Boundaries

Have you ever wondered what the number one thing is that gets talked about in my therapy office?  While everyone is unique with their own cast of characters and set of stressors and circumstances, I certainly see themes that come up in many therapy sessions.  If there’s one word that I type in almost every note, it’s BOUNDARIES.

Depending on the social media you use and how the algorithm has you pegged, you might be seeing quite a few posts about boundaries everyday.  While I love the attention the concept of setting boundaries seems to be getting (at least according to MY feed), I think any time a word or phrase gets its 15 minutes (or more) of fame, people start using it so much that it loses some meaning and sometimes even gets misused, so let’s dive in and deepen our understanding of boundaries.

What are Boundaries?

According to Merriam-Webster, a boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.”  While this definition of the word is certainly not wrong, I think this is where many people get stuck and then resist boundaries. Boundaries can be both interpersonal and intrapersonal and are meant to be supportive rather than restrictive.

Interpersonal Boundaries

Many people take this dictionary definition of boundaries and think about them as walls we put up in our relationships with others. When we think of boundaries in this way, it can feel like we are creating distance between ourselves and others.

In actuality, what we’re doing when we set a boundary with another person, is telling them how they can stay in our lives…not see themselves out.  It is saying, “I want to be in relationship with you, and this is how we can make that happen.”  This can look like setting a limit on the amount of time spent with someone, where and when that might happen, topics of conversation, and other things that might be important to you.

Because many individuals, especially those who tend toward people pleasing, feel guilty after setting interpersonal boundaries, it is important to remember that these boundaries are set with the intention of helping the relationship by giving it guide rails.  When we do this, we are giving the other person a map leading to our trust…it is their responsibility to follow it.

Intrapersonal Boundaries

Boundaries are not just interpersonal.  They can also be intrapersonal and involve things like the limits you set for yourself to protect your well-being and manage your life effectively.  They help you prioritize your needs, manage time, and regulate your behavior, similar to how you set boundaries with others.  An intrapersonal boundary might be something like not staying up late when you know you want to get in an early morning workout or really monitoring your self-talk to only include helpful statements.

Your Life, Your Boundaries

Your boundaries, with others and yourself, are completely up to you and should be aligned with how you want to live.  Instead of seeing them as limiting, look at them as the scaffolding that supports you as you move through the world in your way.